


sugar in the raw

by stillmadaboutpetra



Category: Shingeki no Kyojin | Attack on Titan
Genre: Reincarnation AU, erwin remembers levi doesnt, short sweet and to the point
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-07-27
Updated: 2014-08-04
Packaged: 2018-02-10 16:25:39
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 3,803
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2031819
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/stillmadaboutpetra/pseuds/stillmadaboutpetra
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Levi writes books about fighting in Vietnam. Erwin keeps journals about a different war altogether.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> i'm publishing this separately from my unrelated eruri drabbles which you can find obvi under my works and stuff. i think it's suitable to stand alone. you can find more drabbles under my penname.

The morning was sunny and gray at once, earth too richly green and alive to let it get hot and bright. All the sun went to the grass and cascading treeline. Levi loved it, already anticipating a cool summer in Vermont. He even liked Kit's Klub despite the bone-grating name for the coffee shop, but he loved himself good coffee. And they even had sugar in the raw, which was his one stipulation.

He started off with a surly hello to Sue-Anne, the morning shift waitress who managed to look more miserable than he; serving the public was not her passion, suffice to say. Levi got his house blend, two sugars in the raw, no cream. That woke him up. Then he moved from the bar seating to one of the back tables, got green tea, a breakfast parfait - greek yogurt, honey, wheat germ, almonds - and settled down with his notebook. 

He still wrote by hand, and his arthritis wasn't sure what to say to that. Levi told his joints to fuck off, but they didn't listen. He rubbed at his hands compulsively when they weren't otherwise occupied, each hard dig of his thumb into the meat around his palm eased it just a little. He might definitely regret Vermont, but then again, it was so easy and lovely up here.

He'd been coming to Kit's about two weeks, been in Vermont about a month. He'd marked it pages back in his journal. 'Kit's - good.' Simple, but profound. Territory marking for his own memory. Should pee on the place so even the vermin around the city would know.

A young man has been looking at him this morning. Seemed to see Levi right away, and Levi could not help but see him back. Strong and young and grossly handsome. It sort of hurt, oddly, to look at him, so Levi breathed in that beauty and then stifled his own errant longing with a smile and shake of his head. Christ. He was such an old fag, wasn't he? Maybe he'd stop eyeballing boys when Hockney died. Throw in the towel, bury himself. Fuck that, they were dinosaurs. Christ.

Levi rubbed at his temple, silver wedged in against black hair, and sighed. Thoughts running away on him. Mostly still black, not balding anywhere. Not bad. Really, not bad. He could still swim. Running not so much, not with the leg he had. But he did okay. Not many lines on his face, cept the wrinkles between his brows from being an old frowny fart.

Levi almost laughed, there alone with just this notebook and pen and empty bowl of yogurt. Getting self conscious just because some handsome thing walked in the door. Good god almighty, he was fucking pathetic. He'd beat it tonight to that blondie and imagine showing a little pup the ropes. Fuck. Alright, Levi, settle down. 

"Excuse me," a voice said and Levi lifted his face to see the object of his carousal thoughts standing before him, intense and bright-eyed. "You're Levi Kobayashi."

Levi supposed that even pretty things liked to read. "Yes." He tucked his pen into his notebook and closed it as the man sat down across from him, such a smile on him. Dimples. Misty eyed?

They shook hands and Levi rubbed his palms on his pants beneath the table then turned his hand into the other to knead at the muscles. "My name is Erwin Smith. I," Erwin Smith licked his lips and looked away, out the window to the gray light, then back, eyes a melting tundra. "never thought I'd see you here."

Levi frowned slightly, creases sharp at the corner of his eyes. "A fan?" he presumed.

"You changed my life," Erwin said, an another strange smile from him. A laugh; he covered his mouth and inhaled. Seemed to gather himself while Levi stared blankly at him, confused, heart beating worrisomely in his chest.

"I hope for the better," Levi said dryly, sipping his tea that had gone cool but needing to commit some normal action while his bones shivered in his skin because Erwin Smith was a melting icecap before him and Levi didn't know what to do about that. 

"You saved me," Erwin confirmed. Levi never thought his books could save anyone but his own kooky mind, but he's heard that before. 

"Okay, kid. Glad I could help." 

Erwin smiled widely and looked him over, lips coming to close with a nostalgic tilt. Levi was pretty sure the guy had a few bolts loose. "Me too," Erwin said with a nod, leaned on the table so he was closer to Levi. "Do you live up here?"

"You're kind of weird," Levi said, "and giving off the creepy old man vibes I should be giving off."

Erwin apologized but kept on smiling. "I'm just excited." He still looked like he was going to cry though, kept looking away, up, swaying in his seat to some song in his head Levi couldn't guess at but wanted to know all the same. "I really admire you. I'm an English major at UVM, I wrote my admissions paper on you. Your work."

"All of it?"

"Well, no." He looked secretive. Levi tilted his head. What a strange morning. Sort of like the beginning to a way too plot heavy porno, he thought. Except now he didn't want to fuck Erwin at all. He wanted to check him for a fever.

Levi stared blankly, so Erwin barreled on. "Would it be okay if I saw you?"

"What?"

"Visited you. Talked to you. Would you let me do that?"

Levi didn't consider himself a celebrity. His books sold well, he had a cult following, he had some main stream following too...he supposed. 

"I'm a boring old man," Levi pouted.

"Isn't it wonderful?" 

"You're really fucking creepy, Erwin Smith." But he didn't intimidate Levi, didn't make Levi's stomach even wiggle with an inkling of distrust. Levi was a man of instinct, and Erwin Smith reminded Levi of a smooth stone he'd like to keep in his pocket to hold when no one was looking. "But if you really need something to talk about at book club or whatever, sure, fine. You can watch me take out my dentures."

"You're only fifty nine," Erwin snorted. "You don't have dentures."

"You don't know that." Except Erwin looked like he did.

 

Erwin came again to Kit's the next morning, beat Levi there, and watched with quiet awe at the unspoken routine between Levi and Sue-Anne. He blurted out "don't you like black tea?" when Levi got his green and Levi tried to remember ever writing that down in a book to be memorized by blondes named Erwin Smith and couldn't.

"I do. They don't have my brand, and green tea is good for you." He blew a shaky breath across the steaming cup while Erwin nodded to himself. 

"Tell me about yourself, Erwin, because you know everything and more about me," Levi grunted, waving his hand to prompt a speedy answer. 

Erwin said "I have a mother and father and brother and a dog," like it was a goddamn miracle. The gentleness of his tone culled Levi's sarcastic response so instead he asked "are you happy?" like knowing Erwin Smith was happy would help him die in peace.

"I am," Erwin laughed quietly, almost like it was a wonder to him too, and Levi felt a little younger under Erwin's melting gaze.

 

Erwin Smith became routine. 'Erwin Smith - good.' Levi wrote it down. Erwin Smith invaded his house and his place became the couch in the study where Levi worked. Levi wrote occasionally while Erwin Smith went through his books or delicately thumbed through journals of messy inke-dribbled scrawl. "Your handwriting," he murmured, and Levi only lifted an eyebrow at him. 

Erwin Smith didn't force his way into Levi's home or life; he asked; but Levi felt powerless to say no. They had black tea in the evening, and Erwin watched precisely at how much sugar and cream Levi added to his own so that Erwin, the next night, could replicate it and serve Levi the tea. He lingered at Levi's desk then sat on the corner.

Levi put his elbows on the wood, chin in hand, and stared at him. "You're blushing. Is that desk that nice on your ass?"

Erwin smiled at him. "I'm sorry, I'm remembering something."

"What?"

"It's a secret."

 

"Go home, Mary's going to come for me with a pitchfork and torch if you go home so late every night." Levi stayed up later and later with Erwin.

"My mother likes you."

Levi snorted and typed up what he'd written during the day. "At least take her those skeins of yarn I got so she forgives me for keeping you."

Erwin fingered hand spun wool. Green and gold. "Do you like scarves?"

"I have a personal vendetta against them," Levi said without looking up, fingers a little stiff with tire. A shadow fell across his screen and he looked up just in time for Erwin to bend down and kiss his cheek. It was just a kiss and it crashed Levi's mind. 

"The fuck are you doing?" Levi asked, not angry, how could he be angry about that. Erwin smiled at him and Levi held perfectly still when Erwin kissed his other cheek. Levi couldn't understand these gentle lover kisses coming from a boy not even half his age.

"Something I've wanted to do for longer than you can imagine." Levi closed his eyes as Erwin planted one last kiss on his forehead and pushed back his hair, the touch like a memory that itched and hurt. 

"I'll see you tomorrow. I'm sure my mother will knit you a scarf." Erwin went out his front door and Levi mistook him for a different man he never knew but remembered like a dream.

 

Erwin didn't kiss him at breakfast. Levi paid for Erwin and scolded him for not saving up for college more. "That shit's expensive."

"I know. Don't worry, I have a scholarship." But Erwin did kiss him when they left Kit's. A sweet soft peck to Levi's lips. Erwin kissed Levi liked a married man who was happy and content. "I'll see you this afternoon." 

Levi went home and took a bath. His tub was mint green, the spout and knobs shiny brass. He lounged in it and looked at himself through the water. Just a body. It was just a body. A thigh made up of scar tissue more than skin, that ended at the knee. His prosthetic leg rested against the tub wall. 

Erwin never asked because he knew. He read it. The ship that went down in Vietnam, that took Levi's leg, that took Levi's cousin too. That broke Levi until words and stories built him back up. "They lied to us, but what the fuck did we know. It felt like we were winning and doing right sometimes, then we'd burn down a village..."

"War is never easy," Erwin said like he knew. That pissed Levi off.

"What the fuck do you know?" It was a sore subject. "You can't just read books about it and act like you know." You can't just kiss me.

"Believe me," Erwin whispered, Levi on the couch with him. Erwin asked to hold him and Levi only mocked him a little but wanted it just as badly. He was old, there wasn't enough time to say no. Erwin held him right, and Levi held Erwin's right hand like he never wanted to let go. 

"That you know war?"

 

Erwin showed him. He brought over his own notebooks, those cheap mottled black and white cover composition notebooks. Inside, in heavy handwriting, were confessions that made Levi want to vomit. Graphic, guilty, confessions. None of it made sense, but it felt like the words of a veteran. "What is this?"

"I'm sorry," Erwin said. Levi was crying and his head hurt, his chin and jaw. 

"Did you steal these...words? Erwin." He couldn't tell if it was real or not, but the names, the events, made him dizzy. 

"Forget it," Erwin said, taking the books from Levi's hand and throwing them down onto the floor. He cupped Levi's face in his hands and kissed his wet cheeks and his trembling mouth. Levi never felt so breakable, and he'd been broken before. 

"Who was he?" Levi asked. The dead man that Erwin never got to confess to.

"I love you," Erwin said. Levi nodded, accepting that. 

 

He called Erwin's phone in the dead of night, his cell phone. "Did we win?"

"I don't remember," Erwin said, night-hushed, voice thick.

They breathed together over the phone. 

"I love you," Levi told him. "I'm sorry I don't remember."

"It's okay." Beat. "You rarely do."

Levi closed his eyes. How many times had Erwin gone through this? And when did Levi come to believe such a wild tale? When it hurt him this deeply and he couldn't shake the truth.

"Why do you remember and I don't?" Accept it as truth. Maybe they were both kooky. 

"Penance," Erwin said, voice heavy but still soft.

"It wasn't your fault."

"You don't even remember."

Levi shook his head in the dark. "I know though. It wasn't your fault."

He heard Erwin inhale, breathe out, tacky sounding with tears. "Thank you."

They fell quiet. Levi licked his lips, flexed his hand not holding the phone to ease the stiffness that set in over night. "I'm sorry I'm old," he said with a laugh that carried nothing but guilt.

"Don't be," Erwin said quickly. "God, Levi, don't be. I love you, it's so good to see you grown up."

"Shut up."

"Still so short..."

"Shut up. Fuck." Levi swallowed his own voice, something strangled and lost. "I could hate you."

"Don't say that."

"I know. I'm sorry, I don't. I love you. I definitely love you, you bastard." Levi would die before Erwin and leave him again and never be sure if he was okay. That wasn't fair. 

Erwin's bed creaked over the phone. "I'm coming over."

"Now? It's three a.m."

"I need to see you." Erwin hung up and Levi went downstairs to unlock the door and wait for him.


	2. bitter sweet

The two of them wound together in Levi's bed, heads thumped onto his therapeutic pillows. Erwin passed a potpourri pillow back in forth between his hands, all lavender and chamomile. Levi liked to keep it in bed. He let Erwin get him out of his shirt, and he took Erwin out of his too.

Levi had his scars, he supposed, in both lives. Two lives of war.

Erwin ran his hands gently down Levi's leg, cupped the blunt rounded end, eyes intense in the dark. "You ended up losing your leg in that life too."

Levi rolled his eyes. "A man of infinite luck."

Erwin's mouth quirked. "I lost my arm, if it makes you feel better."

"Not really."

Erwin crouched over him and kissed him. Levi touched the strong planes of his face, fingertips feather light on the peak of his cheekbone. "How?" he couldn't help but ask.

"Titan. Bit it off." Levi can't imagine Erwin like that, that happening to him. Levi can imagine it too easily though, in truth. He's seen it. He's seen worse. He knows.

"Does the dentist freak you out?" Levi followed up because to him that made sense.

Erwin snorted and kissed wetly at his ear, making Levi grunt and poke him in his side. "Only sickos like going to the dentist."

"Fair." Levi pulled Erwin down into bed and held him. "Now close your eyes, it's late and I need my beauty sleep."

Erwin kissed him more, but he dutifully kept his eyes closed. Levi did not.

 

Erwin's mother visited with him a month later. Summer had waned, brightened, it sweat its heat over them all. Erwin could barely go a day without speaking to Levi at the very least. Levi learned to text. 

"Is this what you two get up to?" she asked, drinking tea with them.

Erwin smiled, warm and patient. Secretly pleased that his illicit affair with the reincarnation of his past lover remained that - secret. 

"You're son's a geriatric, accept it now, Mary. Scone?"

 

Levi refused to be coddled. He might be small and old, but he would not stand to be treated as such. He played the big spoon in the bath tub, back against the wall, Erwin snug between his legs. Erwin had to bend his knees, pink and saturated with colour from the hot water, from the heat lamps. 

Levi rang a rag up Erwin's chest, down, washing him lazily. Erwin's head was heavy on his shoulder, his body heavy and solid, so firm and beautiful. Erwin sighed out softly, cock quick to fill Levi's hand when given a few strokes. 

"So eager," Levi hummed, pleased. He immensely enjoyed this, making Erwin react. Remembering through Erwin wild passions. He teased the thickness in his hand, fondled him like the old pervert he was. Kissed Erwin's temple, lower, the corner of his eye, and felt, just barely, wrinkles under his lips when Erwin smiled.

"I'm good for your ego."

Levi squeezed around the head so Erwin thrashed and water licked up the sides of the tub. "What was that?" The water made it easy to jerk him off. 

"Fuck, Levi." He got to feel Erwin's tension. "Love when you touch me."

Levi had past the age of need. Now he had only want. He didn't need to stick his dick in things, not even in Erwin. He had, of course, and Erwin had done unto him as well. But more often, Levi reaped a deeper satisfaction than physical from simply watching Erwin. Undoing him, drinking him up. 

When Erwin got close, Levi stopped touching him, tangled their fingers together and held Erwin back from release. "No way you're coming in the tub."

Erwin made a miserable noise. "You're always like this," he huffed, amused despite the torture. "Of course baths are new. Never could stand sitting in dirty water-"

Levi squeezed his eyes shut. "Erwin."

"-you'd end up making a bigger mess splashing around from a bucket."

"Erwin," Levi bit, sharper than he meant to because Erwin went perfectly quiet. 

"I'm sorry," Erwin whispered.

They breathed out of sync before Levi roughly and suddenly jerked Erwin off, hand too tight, pull too hard. Erwin came though, semen like oil in the water, like a spill. Neither of them moved to get up; Levi pet the inside of Erwin's thigh.

"Idiot darling boy," he sighed. Erwin breathed laboriously through his nose. He slept over that night, crammed halfway down the bed so he could hide his face into Levi's stomach, and Levi could keep a hand tangled in his hair.

 

Erwin looked for internships to do over winter break. He mentioned vaguely staying with Levi over spring break. Another year of college waited around the corner. 

"I'll have my car on campus, so I can visit on the weekends."

Levi thought about the incoming plague of pumpkin spiced food and beverages that fall brought. He thought about decay. "Don't do that."

Erwin's crisp motions with the kitchen knife fell apart. A cherry tomato rolled off the cutting board, a hard plop on the tiled kitchen floor. "Why not?"

Levi picked the fruit up, inspected it and rinsed it again. His floors were immaculate. "You won't make friends that way."

"I already have friends." Erwin would be a sophomore.

"Then keep them. You don't need to be wasting your weekends visiting an old man." He avoided looking at Erwin and stirred the linguine. Levi had candles and wine and a dark chocolate cherry tarte for dinner. Erwin somehow convinced Levi that garlic breath would be worth it, the smell of toasting bread wafting from the oven.

"You're being ridiculous, I'm not even - Levi - just don't. Not tonight." The cutting resumed. Levi did not tonight. They had dinner, wine, dessert. They agreed that death of the author outweighed author's intent. 

Levi pretended not to see Erwin's brooding expressions when Levi made a few death jokes. Erwin fucked him harder than he thought Erwin ever would; he ached all night in Erwin's arms, blood pounding with the rhythm of Erwin's thrusts well after Erwin fell asleep. Levi held his fingers to the pulse in Erwin's wrist and counted off beats to fall asleep.

 

Levi sent a letter of recommendation to the place Erwin applied to for a winter internship. 

 

Erwin lounged in the sun, squinting against it while Levi sketched him. They were horrific but amusing doodles. "For almost sixty, you do look much younger. I'd peg you for forty."

"Ah, great. I'd be your dad instead of an old grandpa." 

"Either way, can I sit in Papa's lap?" Erwin grinned, the little shit.

"You're foul and offensive and I have no idea why I let you into my house."

Erwin rolled onto his stomach, showing off the golden breadth of his back to the sky. "You love me." Levi nodded. He did indeed love Erwin. "Maybe thirty, except you're turning into a silver fox."

"What the fuck does that make you, a twink?"

"Twunk," Erwin corrected. Of course Erwin had some modern culture term for whatever breed of queer he was. Jesus. 

 

Levi kissed every inch of Erwin before he left for college. Erwin might have the memory of a man, but to Levi, he was a boy. A beautiful boy with a life before life, an old oak wood heart. "Listen to me, you big dumb blonde, I'm not saying don't love me-"

"-good because I can't not love you and I wouldn't listen-"

"-Erwin, for fuck's sake-"

"-I'm not going to let you get rid of me."

Levi squeezed his fingers, arthritis protesting. Erwin shut up.

"I don't ever want to not be apart of your life," Levi said, holding steady eye contact with Erwin. Sometimes, he couldn't do that. Erwin would gaze back, and Levi knew he was pasting pieces of memory over reality. But sometimes Levi needed to stare Erwin down. He wanted to carry Erwin's eyes into the afterlife with him. He used to not believe in life after death, but that changed. "But promise me you won't hold yourself back."

Erwin clenched his jaw, obviously offended, but Levi cocked a challenging eyebrow at him. Levi was good at knowing Erwin too. Erwin had become his favorite subject, and Levi was anything if not obsessive. 

"Fine. But I'm going to tell everyone I'm dating a sexy old man and you can't stop me."

Levi shook his head and went through the theatrics of being fed up with Erwin. He let Erwin kiss him into a good mood again.


End file.
